I wrote the note to him

Hoping it would be my last

I didn’t know why I couldn’t  stop crying

I didn’t know why I wanted to drive my car 

Into oncoming traffic

He told me to get help or risk losing him

I wanted to deal with it on my own

But I didn’t resist

I didn’t want to lose him

I knew I needed help

I refused to admit it

I didn’t want to be put away

In that cold room all alone

I thought only the crazy people

Went in there 

Did that mean I was crazy?

This wasn’t my first time in crisis

I knew the drill

That didn’t make it any easier

I had no choice

I was a danger to myself

They wanted me to believe

I was broken 

I couldn’t be fixed

Without professional help

I reluctantly agreed

I wanted to be normal

What was normal anyway?

I had never known normal

They gave me happy pills

I didn’t feel better 

I felt lost

Confused

Alone

Isolated

They gave me different happy pills 

Until I became numb

And felt nothing

I became a new person

A person I didn’t recognize

Was that what normal felt like?

I was scared to be normal

I wanted to get better

At what cost?

I wanted to be there for my kids

I wanted to enjoy life

I wanted to make love to my husband

I wanted to be healthy

I wanted to be strong

I needed to be strong 

But, at what cost?

Will I ever be

Unbroken?

By J. Robbins-Clacema